It's hard to know where to start on a day like today so it's best to simply jump in with both feet.
For whatever reason, I let my anxiety get the best of me today. The butterflies I mentioned in yesterday's post turned into an attack force and I sadly ended up opting out of the trip to Rwanda. They say with anxiety it's one step forward and a few steps backward. Today was my big step backward--and it really caught me off guard. Many of you know, as I've shared openly about this disorder, that God has brought me a long ways from where I was 20 years ago. Two times I've made this trip to Rwanda which is a big deal considering my anxiety is usually trip related. So this step backwards was disappointment. I won't go into the details and how it all unfolded. Needless to say this is not the post I thought I would be writing today. I'd been looking forward to this trip for over a year. Not going is frustrating to say the least.
Days like these, as painful as they are, make me grateful for a reckless grace that will somehow in someway transform my reckless decision into God's best.
So I'm going to use this time I should have been away anyway for a mini-sabbatical. I know anxiety is a signal that my internal system needs a tune-up so I'll spend the time hanging out, catching up on movies, books, enjoying time with Jan and the dogs, etc.
I'm OK for those of you who might worry about your pastor. I've had a very human setback, which, as Lucinda Bassett reminds us, are really gains, as they give us a chance to re-evaluate, re-calibrate, and get back at it.
All the Rwanda highlights from the rest of the team will be posted at the Community of Grace Website.
I'm out for the next couple of weeks.
By the way, that's Rwanda--2, Butterflies--1. I'll get them next time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I luv you Pastor Tim you are so
human it helps me knowing you are
struggling too. Thanks for being you.....Judy B.
Pastor Tim - I understand what has happened to you - I have suffered from anxiety for several years and have had counseling to try to combat it, but it has a way of sneaking up. My prayers are with you
Heidi Reyes
Aw, that is too bad you are not going! You are in my prayers. The good news is, The Rec Center has a new ping pong table! Better yet, we are meeting at 6pm for ice cream and fun tonight. Come join us for a mid-week recharge! Janie
I've been praying for you, Tim, and I think this is God's answer. Your anxiety has been lessened! I will pray for a restful 2 weeks for you and Jan and the dogs.
Marge Wright
Dang... bummer...
I went to a Catholic Mass this morning in Minsk. As I sat there I was asking God to bring comfort in the time of struggle.
I am with you. Community of Grace is with you. We are all grateful you are in our lives.
Mike
Tim,
What a bummer.
I'm with you and hope this time to have some R&R will help you with this struggle.
I went to a Catholic Mass today and as I sat silently (hard to understand Russian!) I was asking God for his hand to continue to be upon you.
I am with you. Community of Grace is with you.
I am grateful to call you friend.
Mike
Pastor Tim,
Thank you for honesty about your anxiety. My daughter suffers from anxiety as well and like you trips are a big one. We have purchased plane tickets for her to go to New York with friend, and Cabo with us and lost our money both times because she just could not do it. She has been doing well lately, but she is planning to return to working for the first time in 18 months (She has stayed home all this time with her 18 month old daughter) The thought of putting her baby in childcare and being away from her all day has triggered her anxiety. Your openess about your struggles is very helpful. Not that she would wish it on anyone, but knowing you share that with her almost helps it to be more acceptable. It also gives her some hope. So hang in there, we know what your going through and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Reading your posting here, Pastor Tim, as soon as you mentioned using the Rwanda time to take a mini-sabatical instead, I hoped I would see that, among your restful activities, you'd put at the top of your list, prayer time with our Lord. Seems to me that would be the best way for a pastor, or any other Christian, to recharge and regroup.
I sincerely hope that, although it wasn't listed in your activities, Tim, you did make prayer time a large part of your mini.
My devotional and prayer life are one of the most important parts of my life and this down time was no exception. Your hope has been fulfilled!
Post a Comment